BlackPeopleWorryAboutTheDumbestShit.com

Source: Shahrazad Ali

The Blackwoman’s Guide to Understanding the Blackman

“He claims that his woman can’t handle the truth very well, but the Blackman does not assimilate with it any better than she does. There are many truths that he will not acknowledge about himself. Truths which are verifiable according to his original nature, but have become distorted and perverted. Some of the daily issues he refuses to recognize as true are:

1. He will not admit that Blackwomen should dress more modestly because that position requires him to change his immoral ideas and adulterous reactions to her nudity
2. He won’t admit that he has sacrificed the Black child’s life by not fulfilling his responsibilities as a father.
3. He can’t agree with a self-help platform because it necessitates his becoming qualified to be independent using his own steam.
4. He can’t admit that the civil-rights movement failed because it’s easier to have blind faith in a system than to abandon it.
5. He can’t acknowledge that Black boys need to be in a separate school to address their special needs because he will have to take a more active role in their education.
6. He won’t admit that that he could exert more control over the drug influx in his neighborhood because it would demand he take action to remove the problem.
7. He can’t agree that his woman rules him or that he is afraid of her because he prefers to use her misbehavior as an excuse to do the negative things he does himself.
8. He won’t say that he dislikes seeing Blackwomen with whitemen because it is an unpopular stand and could get him expelled from certain circles.
9. He doesn’t admit that he really does want to be in charge of his wife and family because he is afraid of failure and the blame it entails.
10. He can’t admit that the real reason he’s angry with the Asians who buy and operate businesses in his own neighborhood is simply because he doesn’t know how to operate a business himself.
11. He won’t admit that he spends too much money outside of the African-American community because he is so enthralled with the material goodies produced by the Europeans and the Japanese.
12. He can’t accept the fact that white folks are never going to give him reparations, or apologize to him for how badly he has been treated after slavery because he feels like a chump.
13. He won’t acknowledge that he is never really as comfortable around whites as he is with his own kind because then he has to admit that the two races actually are different.
14. He can’t admit that while he publicly claims to admire [Malcolm X] that he’s too scared to make moral judgments and stand up for what he believes in like [he] did.
15. He certainly can’t admit that he would like to have two women because he has been convinced that it is wrong and unjustifiable.
16. He can’t admit that it’s wrong for Blackmen to be homosexual because he doesn’t want to offend anyone, or force his values on others, plus he’s not sure on what basis he thinks it’s wrong.
17. He can’t announce his feelings of helplessness because he thinks that he must always impress others of his massive strength even when there’s no proof that it even exists.
18. He can’t admit that he doesn’t know how to express his Black culture other than wearing African clothes or symbols.
19. He can’t admit that he has wasted a lot of time believing in and chasing rainbow colored dreams that never materialized.
20. And finally, he can’t admit that he no longer has any confidence in the American political system as a solutional base for his problems because it would require him to develop independent strategies to reach his own goals.”

I don’t particularly need #15, but I can definitely agree with the rest. This book came out when I was in preschool, and it’s disgraceful that these same issues are still on the table. But after listening to some of these goofy niggas in the video below scrambling to protect their egos, it’s not hard to see why younger generations have been inheriting the problems of their predecessors for so long:

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(Y’all like that Jenny Jones title, don’t front)

A few weeks ago, I was doing some studying on the lynching of black men – mainly to get a read on the sexual propaganda and hysteria that inspired a lot of them (alleged rape, lusting over white women, etc.). Getting a refresher on these “black beast” memes of the past, I couldn’t help but notice how many of them are still alive today in a virtually unaltered state. In particular, I had my eye on the porn industry.

Days prior, I had been working on a project about how white consumers respond to entertainment with black stars (sports, music, movies, etc.). Eventually, I made my way toward interracial porn. I was primarily looking for a hard sales breakdown, but my research gave me a little more than I had bargained for. Not only does interracial porn appear to be doing pretty well in white circles, but apparently, the more racist – the better:

“My customers seem to enjoy black men ‘taking advantage of’ white women; seducing their white daughters and wives. The Blackzilla line is one of my best selling series. Oh No! There’s a Negro in My Mom is also one that sells as soon as it hits the shelves. The more ‘wrong’ a title is, the more appealing it is. My customers don’t want to see a loving interracial couple; they want to see massive black dicks satisfying or defiling pretty white girls.” Such is the observation of Allison Miller, owner of adult retail outlet Taboo in Richmond, Virginia.

“When the races mix, especially if the purity of the sacred white woman is compromised, it gets a lot of attention – even if the white girl is as dirty and disease riddled as humanly possible.” – Cram Johnson, co-proprietor of Chatsworth Pictures, producers of Oh No! There’s a Negro in My Mom and I Can’t Believe You Sucked a Negro: a Cuckold’s POV

“I did a signing for New Sensations in Ohio and a group of young white guys with swastikas on their arms asked me to sign DVDs for them because they liked my movies. When I first started the whole Blackzilla thing, I had many white men from the South who were racist tell me they loved it. I have discovered that there is a huge group of people who dislike other races, but have sexual fantasies about a black male dominating a white woman in a very forceful way.” – Shane Diesel, adult actor (Source, NSFW)

Now, I’m not the kind of person to get bent out of shape over a few petty names. What gets me is the fact that protecting the “purity of the sacred white woman” (fuck outta here) was one of the biggest motivators of lynch mobs back in the day; as were fears of some mythical ‘Blackzilla’ ‘seducing their white daughters and wives.’

Nowadays, their grandchildren are sitting around getting off to it.

And what really kills me is the façade that people like the aforementioned Swastika guys are probably putting on the majority of the time: “White Power” by day; fantasizing over some black dude’s dick by night. It makes me wonder if their ancestors were equally conflicted.

Thinking back on all of those black castrations in particular, I can’t help but wonder if there was some sort of envy-based “If I can’t have it, you can’t either” dynamic going on beneath it all. Or maybe violence was a charade that helped make their black sexual fantasies seem a little more real in those technologically-primitive times (which raises the question of whether these dudes were repressed homos and/or subconsciously got a kick out of this brand of black dominance). Or maybe it’s just the simple taboo of it all. Who knows.

Anyhow, given current white male affinity for interracial porn, I’m inclined to believe that quite a few of those lynchings in the past were more sexual than judicial. Yesterday’s violence and today’s porn operate so heavily under the same context that I have a hard time treating them as unrelated phenomena. One could try to argue that today’s attraction toward interracial porn is some sort of indicator of “progress,” but then you’d have to answer the question of why centuries-old racist elements have been preserved so well in it; as well as the question of why these elements are so crucial in the enjoyment of it. On the other hand, I find it equally hard to believe that yesterday’s lynchings were entirely pure in their billing as punishment. Between false accusations, proactive sexual propaganda and severed black penises being considered prized souvenirs, it’s all just a little too sexual to keep my eyebrow down.

With all of this potential mystique, admiration and/or envy floating through the air, I’m left wondering just how much of the hell that black people have caught over the years has been genuine in its billed intent. When you have skinheads out here whacking off to B. Pumper or whomever, there’s obviously some weird subconscious shit going on behind the curtain. Seriously, who the hell claims something as their nightmare (e.g. a ‘Negro in their daughter’) then turns around and gets sexual pleasure from it?

I may expand in a later post. I also want to examine the black male and white female roles in all of this.

But before I leave, here’s a little something extra for the “something new” crowd:

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1. When meeting a new man, your first instinct is to ask him “Do you have a job?”, as opposed to “What do you do?”

2. You actually frame those club pics with the airbrushed backgrounds

3. You consider Red Lobster biscuits a delicacy

4. Your grandmother knows who Keyshia Cole is

5. You find it charming when men turn on “I Can Tell” by the 504 Boyz around you.

6. You brag about having a credit card

7. Your man bought you a Katt Williams DVD and a bottle of Hennessy for Valentine’s Day

8. Your kids call you by your first name

9. You’re 33 years old and still allow men to give you promise rings

10. You beat a chick’s ass on graduation day. Your mother was your accomplice. (Shoutout to the Class of ’05)

11. You walk so hard that your head waggles

12. You feed Hawaiian Punch and ribs to your 3 month old baby

13. Your “modeling shoots” take place in some nigga’s den

14. You carry your purse on the inside of your wrist

15. You think women who exercise are bougie

16. You think it’s cute that you don’t know how to pronounce certain words

17. You thought Baby Boy had a fairytale ending

18. You think it’s your 6 year-old’s responsibility to wake himself up for school

19. You quote The Player’s Club for wisdom

20. You’ve ever started a sentence with “Unh uh, unh uh”

___

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1. You consider a dice game to be a business investment

2. You think sleeve tattoos on a woman are attractive

3. You’ve been “getting your shit together” for 15 years

4. You think a Benz actually needs rims

5. You think red suits are fly outside of the prom

6. You figured getting your newborn daughter’s name tattooed on you was more urgent than getting her a crib

7. Jay-Z can turn your entire life upside down with one line

8. “It’s real out here” is your excuse for everything

9. The ice cream truck in your area sells knock-off handbags

10. Only one of your friends knows how to work a computer

11. You think Precious is “just thick”

12. The last time you woke up before noon was to pick up some Jordans

13. You’re scared to death of leaving a paper trail, yet have absolutely no reservations about riding around in a lime green car with weed on you

14. Fighting skills and a sneaker collection are qualities that you think make a woman “wife material”

15. You thought Belly was a masterpiece

16. You’re constantly yelling out “Money Over Bitches,” yet you’re broke and have an STD

17. “Next Tuesday” is a long-term goal

18. You’d even consider having sex with Kat Stacks

19. You’re 30 years old and your mom is perfectly fine with you staying with her, so long as you buy her a catfish dinner every Sunday

20. A deceased relative left you $2,000 and now you’re arrogant

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Do we leave this on the cutting room floor?

Around this time every year, one of the favorite pastimes among salty white people is begging the question of why there exists no White History Month. More often than not, the question is a rhetorical jab at Black History Month. Amusingly, no one ever seems to have a problem with the respective Asian, Jewish (::cough::white), Hispanic and Native American months, but I digress. To answer the question of why there’s no White History Month – especially as it relates to Black History Month – is simple: it’s bad PR.

Regardless of what Carter G. Woodson envisioned, the primary reason why Black History Month is nationally-recognized is to shut black people the fuck up. In the face of social unrest, the nation opted to create, as comedian Paul Mooney would say, the “illusion of inclusion” and since 1976, it’s been – for lack of a better term – on & crackin’. Sentimental black folks can now refer to Black History Month as a supposed testament to America having an investment in their humanity and progress.

Personally, I’m not a fan of Black History Month; but not because I think it’s a lost cause, or even because I desire some warped sense of fairness that disgruntled white folks and their pet Negroes (see: Morgan Slaveboy, nee Freeman) usually speak of when denouncing the month. I just find it disturbing how the occasion tends to shape the discourse on what’s acceptable black history. It restricts the history to a bunch of soft stuff, like “black firsts”– as if black people have no existence or purpose outside of being imitators of white people. It essentially ropes off what I’d consider to be the more important lessons to be learned from our history and traps not only black people, but everyone else who acknowledges the month as a serious entity in a glass box.

Slavery: One of the greatest economic resources to ever hit America. Which day do we celebrate this?

As for White History Month, its creation would probably aid in shattering this glass box. Considering “white” history comes with quite a few footnotes of fucking black people over, some interesting dialogue would likely arise were such a month ever to exist. If we’re going to talk about white people’s actions from an explicitly racial standpoint, I’d imagine it’d be pretty difficult to do so without making mention of how this country owes it’s foundation to centuries of explicit racism. Is this really something we’re going to celebrate? Pettiness aside – is this really something that white people want to explore with regularity?

Personally, White History Month would be right up my alley. Its existence would likely neutralize Black History Month and pop the lid right off the trend of liberal white folks and goofy ass black people always trying to cheat the truth. It’d help tend to the post-civil-rights trance that black people are currently in as a result of trading their common sense for the ‘privilege’ of becoming surrogate white people.

The single best thing that white people in this country have going for them is that their history isn’t branded as “white.” It helps contribute to the ‘comfortable’ notion that the essence of America exists as it does “just because”; or as a result of some ingredient that’s no longer present. With that said, don’t let ‘White History Month’ and your pride write a check Pandora might cash…

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“I’m here today because you all are fake, and my agent says that you fake bastards would probably enjoy a fake apology. I’m sorry. (::pantomimes jack-off motion::)

Sorry for what, you ask? Well, first of all, I’d like to apologize to all of the white golfers that I’ve shitted on over the years. You see, sports is one of the most honest industries in America. Every time that little ball goes in the hole, it’s very difficult to take that away from me. Knowing this, I understand how hard it must be for you all to watch me – a nigger – get in that ass and not be able to do anything about it. I sincerely apologize for being better than you. (::adjusts mic::) And richer.

Secondly, I’d like to apologize to all of the young white girls who have had to listen to speeches from their fathers about how Tiger Woods is an example of why you shouldn’t bother with black guys. The 10 minutes you wasted listening to him could’ve been put toward something you actually enjoy: Like trains with the basketball team.

Also, I’d like to apologize for my haters being broke. I take complete responsibility for the fact that you spent your childhood sucking your daddy’s dick instead of learning how to play golf. It’s entirely my fault that you’re smashed up in that tight ass cubicle while I make hundreds of millions of dollars to play a game. I’m sorry.

Last but certainly not least, I’d like to apologize to my fans. For what? I’m not sure. I can still golf my ass off, so I really don’t understand what the big fuckin’ deal is. As I’m sure you all know by now, I like having things on my dick. But in this case, I’d appreciate it if you got off it.

If I’ve left out anyone else who doesn’t deserve an explanation from me, please direct all complaints to the crack of my ass. Thank you, and have a wonderful afternoon.”

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