BlackPeopleWorryAboutTheDumbestShit.com

As I’m sure most of you already know, a new Madea movie came out this past weekend. I can’t be bothered to look up the full title, so for the remainder of this post, I’ll just refer to it as Gay Nigga in a Dress Part 12. Between the previews for this and Jumping the Broom (due out in a couple of weeks), I’ve finally reached my breaking point for seeing the same damn movies being made over and over again. It’s like every black filmmaker is obligated to mix & match shit from this list in order to make a movie:

 

• A strong independent black woman who doesn’t need a man…even though the entire movie is about her needing a man
• A sensitive black man who isn’t deep enough in the plantation for the strong independent black woman
• A slightly played-out rapper/R&B singer
• A black comedian with one funny line in the entire movie (which has already been used to death in the previews)
• A wise matriarch who gives incoherent advice (bonus points if it’s a man in drag)
• A disjointed family who needs to reconnect
• A sassy black woman who provides “comedic” relief (bonus points if it’s a man in drag)
• A hater who stands in the way of the strong independent black woman’s happiness
• A white person who has absolutely business in the movie (I see you, Not Easily Broken)
• Church service at the end (bonus points for a wedding)

 

8/10^th of this has been in practically every black movie created since 2000. Oh, and it’s pretty much a guarantee that the film will be set within a 20-mile radius, so I didn’t even bother making that an option. Black people apparently don’t go on adventures. (Yeah, I’m mad that I haven’t gotten any calls about Black to the Future yet).

 

Anyway – for the past 15 minutes, I’ve poured my blood, sweat and tears into a film I like to call: Niggas at the Crib. I’m throwing in the towel and going for that Tyler Perry money. (To all my female readers: Please try your best to refrain from throwing your panties in my direction while I drop this heater).

The film stars Meagan Good. And before I really get into it, let me tell y’all a little story about Meagan Good:

 

When I was about 11 years-old, I used to write letters to Nickelodeon’s headquarters every week, asking them to give me a guest role on Cousin Skeeter. Ideally, this was supposed to give me a chance to fly down to Orlando and spit some game at her. Unfortunately, I never heard back; which is understandable, considering I couldn’t act to save my life (granted, neither could anybody on the show, but I’m not bitter).

At the time, her grill needed some work and her body was flat, but I saw potential in her. Nowadays, her teeth are on-point and her titties are constantly popping out of her shirt like a freshly-opened can of biscuits – the latter of which makes her my perfect woman. Unfortunately, I’m sure this transformation has brought out some competition for her affections. With that said, consider this casting decision yet another desperate attempt at getting Meagan Good to show me the time of day. As a man, I can’t fully relate to the female psyche; but I’d have to imagine that casting a woman in a future blockbuster like this is a guaranteed way to cause precipitation in her draws.

 

Anyway – the film stars Meagan Good as a strong independent black woman named Meagan (took me forever to come up with that name, by the way). She makes $70,000 a year as a marketing executive and doesn’t need a man.

 

One afternoon, she and her best friend decide to meet up for lunch and discuss how bad they each need a man. In her search for love, Meagan has been through heartache after heartache. She can’t understand why her relationships never work:

 

Meagan: I know I’m emotionally unstable, have a fucked up attitude, hate children and have no domestic skills, but I do have a degree – and that’s all men really care about. I make $70,000 a year, so I know there’s a black man out there willing to love me for me.

Best Friend (played by Lauren London): Girl, for centuries, black men ain’t did nothing but enslaved us, raped us, disrespected us and deceived us; what you need to do is get you a white man.

Meagan: I know girl, I know. Studies show that there are more black men on the down low than there are breathing oxygen; but I’m so dedicated to the black community that I can only see myself with a black man.

Following her lunch date, Meagan heads back to work (which pays her an annual salary of $70,000 a year). While waiting on the elevator, she bumps into a man named Lance (played by Lance Gross):

Lance: Excuse me miss – but I saw you from across the room and couldn’t help but notice that you make $70,000 a year. I’d like to take you out some time.

Meagan: What do you do for a living?

Lance: I run a multi-million dollar construction company.

Meagan: Wait – so, you don’t work for the white man?

Lance: Well, I–

Meagan: Nigga, if you don’t get the fuck out my face…

Meagan: Don’t you know people in the Civil Rights Movement DIED so we could work for the white man?

Lance: I’ve never thought of it that way before…

Meagan: Yeah, well maybe you would’ve if you had gone to college and gotten your degree

Following his encounter with this charming young lady, Lance vows to someday make Meagan his wife. He spends that night tossing and turning, trying to figure out a way to win her over. Finally, he reaches a solution: sell his business and pass the money out to random white people, because “a black man doesn’t deserve that much money, anyway.”

 

The following day, he bumps into Meagan in her office building and tells her about his plan. Impressed by his commitment to the black community, she finally agrees to go on a date with him.

 

On the night of she and Lance’s date, however, Meagan gets a text from her best friend, telling her that her ex-boyfriend Trellvontay has just been released from prison. Trellvontay (played by Ginuwine) is one of the most ruthless thugs from Meagan’s childhood neighborhood. He also gets mad bitches, even though he still wears velour sweatsuits and wave caps with the flap, in 2011.

 

An hour before Lance is set to pick her up, Trellvontay shows up at Meagan’s doorstep; and in true gentleman fashion, demands that she “let a nigga get in them draws.” Helpless to his smooth demeanor, Meagan obliges. She forgets, however, that she left the front door unlocked, and Lance walks in on the two in the act:

 

Lance: What’s going on, girl? I thought we had something together?

Meagan: Don’t you dare judge me! I make $70,000 a year!

Lance: Good point. You’re a strong independent woman and I have no right to control you. Look, just call me when you’re done fucking.

Heartbroken, Lance returns home and cries himself to sleep, with his Faith Evans CD playing in the background. He vows to never speak to Meagan again.

 

Days pass and Meagan isn’t getting enough attention, so she starts to feel guilty about how she treated Lance. In need of advice, she pays a visit to her grandmother (played by Loretta Devine):

 

Meagan: Grandma, I don’t know what to do. I met this new man and he loves me to death. He’s nice-looking, smart, responsible, funny, and loves spending time with me.

Grandma: So, what’s the problem, baby?

Meagan: Trellvontay is back in my life

Grandma: And?

Meagan: Well, he has the new Jordans…

Grandma: Say what? The Cool Greys? Sheeeit – THAT’s the nigga you need to get with

Meagan: Thank you, Grandma. You always give such great advice

The next day at work, Meagan is walking the halls at her job and bumps into a mailroom clerk named Mike (played by Guy Torry). “I heard about you and Trellvontay; lookin’ like a fake ass Ginuwine,” he tells her. (That’s supposed to be the “funny” line in the movie, by the way). Humiliated, Meagan decides once and for all that she wants to be with Lance. Lance is a “real man,” so he happily takes her back.

 

Once word gets to Trellvontay, he tells Meagan that if he can’t have her, no one can. He then proceeds to savagely hold her down while making her listen to Rihanna’s music, in hopes that she eventually agrees to kill herself. Meagan, however, is a strong black woman who makes $70,000 a year, so she doesn’t give in. (This is the inspirational part of the movie).

Following the assault, a PSA from Tom Cruise appears on screen to remind black women that this is typical behavior of a black man; that the white community has their best interests at heart; and that there’ll be a CNN special airing later in the year to profile this brand of abuse.

 

The movie ends with Meagan and Lance together at church, enjoying a sermon by Reverend Smith (as introduced here). Church service, by the way, automatically makes this movie positive and completely negates all of the ignorant shit I just put in it. This movie is also positive because it employs black actors.

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