BlackPeopleWorryAboutTheDumbestShit.com

White girl is tryna fuck up our mission and Tyrese ain’t having it. We remember what you did to Kobe.

Because Jewish (read: white) people are more human than black people, tales derived from their holocaust have no expiration date. Realizing this, director Quentin Tarantino decided to bless the world with his latest film Inglourious Basterds. Due to my not giving a shit, I haven’t gotten around to visiting Hood Blockbuster and purchasing a [movie ticket] yet. However, that might soon change due to the rave reviews I’ve been reading. As I write this, IMDb even has it ranked as the 35^th best movie of all time. Apparently it’s a WWII revenge flick about some Jewish dudes who go around killing Nazis for fun. Since Jewish people run the media and have put incalculable resources into making the Nazi Party the undisputed devils of history, this is supposed to be funny. You know, because they deserve it.

Now, when I was about 7 years old I swore that when I got filthy rich my first niggerish purchase would be an American Gladiators course in my basement. Scratch that. Thanks to the good folks over at Fiyastarter.com and their review of this movie, I have a new purpose in life. This is what they hit me with:

You have to wonder if Spike ever makes a slavery revenge fantasy flick, and Tyrese, Omar Epps and Mekhi are beating the shit outta slave owners in a humorous fashion, would critics and audiences be laughing at the bad guys getting what they deserved? Actually, you don’t have to wonder. They wouldn’t. That answers that.

I don’t think y’all understand what those words did to me. I feel like Michael Jordan after the first time he touched a basketball; like a freshman white girl who just moved into college and met some black guys. Nigga, I got work to do.

Starting today, I am officially on a mission to put out a black equivalent of Inglourious Basterds. I’ve even started getting my ideas together. Check this out:

John Amos, Fred Williamson and Jim Brown are time travelers (no, wait. Don’t “X” out). For the past 10 years they’ve been going back in time and altering events to change the course of black history. For example, they travel to the 1930s, scoop up a young Ronald Reagan and drop him off in the dinosaur era wearing a jumpsuit made out of steak. They can also be credited with traveling to 1992 and breaking Bill Clinton’s saxophone before he could play it on Arsenio and convince dumb ass black people to start calling him black. Needless to say, these niggas were gettin’ it in.

Unfortunately, they’re getting old and don’t have the juice left to embark on their biggest mission yet: getting revenge for slavery. Because of this, they’re looking to recruit a team of new niggas to take over in their absence. Enter Mehki Phifer, Omar Epps, Tyrese and myself (I’m sorry, but I’ll be damned if I don’t star in this masterpiece). Oh, and we have superpowers that make us completely indestructible, by the way.

They see me rollin'

Dressed in the finest 18^th century fashions, we travel to 1782 and take a road trip across America in a golden carriage driven by Scarlett Johansson (see, we’re not racist). Then we wait on salty broke white dudes to come outside of their houses and try us. Needless to say, they get absolutely fucked up. Repeat this for about two hours and you have the gist of the movie. There’s also a scene where we c-walk through the middle of a lynch mob. That type of stuff is funny to us.

So yeah, if any Hollywood types are reading this, feel free to contact me with your interest.

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