BlackPeopleWorryAboutTheDumbestShit.com

Club Promoters

\kluhb\ \pruh-moh-turz\

The Jehovah’s Witnesses of Facebook. Are somehow able to throw the “hottest party of the year” literally every weekend, and insist that you attend them all. Apart from Terrance & Rocsi, and hood chicks who hold up the buffet line tasting food, are quite possibly the most annoying people on Earth. See: The black men who don’t rap.

Mama-Wifey

\mah-muh\ \wife-ee\

An unmarried woman who serves as the de-facto guardian of a grown (loser) man with whom she’s entered into a relationship. Can often be found at work while said man is driving her car and hitting the weed. Takes pride in purchasing sneakers and video games for the man, as if he were an 8 year-old child. Despite her generosity, is guaranteed to get frustrated at some point and humiliate her partner, to which he’ll generally respond by cheating on her with a significantly less-attractive female (preferably one who wears Dollar Tree weave). Favorite phrases include: “Did you find a job yet?”, “Get the hell out my house!” and “Read the lie detector results, Maury.”

“I have a personal relationship with God”

\Ī\ \hav\ \a\ \pur-suh-nl\ \ri-ley-shuhn-ship\ \with\ \god\

A phrase common among black Christians when caught doing something they have no business doing (e.g. stealing macaroni from the church kitchen, making a porno with the church’s AV equipment, etc.). Regardless of the offense, said phrase allows the offender to take a complete dump on the Bible in good conscience. By delivering it, the speaker implies having a “direct line” to God, in which God apparently consents to any and all deliberate foolishness so long as permission is asked beforehand, or forgiveness is asked afterward.

Rev. Smith: “Well, you see James, I have a personal relationship with God, and he says ‘it ain’t trickin’ if you got it.’”

James: “Nigga, that’s Lil Wayne”

Rev. Smith: “Oh”

Nicki Minaj

\nik-ee\ \ˈmeh-nahzh\

The lifeforce of young hood chicks who lack an identity of their own (Exhibit A); makes music about as audibly-pleasing as the emergency broadcast signal; one-fourth of a tetrad consisting of Jay-Z, Barack Obama and Oprah Winfrey that could convince 85% of black people to do literally anything (with the exception of anything that’s actually worth a damn).

Massa Clintonosis

\mas-ha\ \ˈklint-oh-no-sus\

A psychotic condition that afflicts black Americans invested in a plantation system not invested in them. It is often characterized by an irrational loyalty and affection for Bill and Hillary Clinton who symbolize the mythical “good Master and Missus.”

Gabrielle Union Syndrome

\ga-brē-el\ \ˈyün-yən\ \ˈsin-ˌdrōm

A mental condition common among single black women with college experience; typically brought on by the release of the latest “Professional Black Woman Who Can’t Find a Man” movie. Symptoms include megalomania, purchasing Idris Elba calendars, inability to define oneself outside of school or work, incessant complaining about uneducated black men, and falling under the impression that men give a shit about a woman’s degree(s). Severe cases may also cause victims to believe that Tyler Perry is a quality filmmaker.