BlackPeopleWorryAboutTheDumbestShit.com

Starring Meagan Good

As I’m sure most of you already know, a new Madea movie came out this past weekend. I can’t be bothered to look up the full title, so for the remainder of this post, I’ll just refer to it as Gay Nigga in a Dress Part 12. Between the previews for this and Jumping the Broom (due out in a couple of weeks), I’ve finally reached my breaking point for seeing the same damn movies being made over and over again. It’s like every black filmmaker is obligated to mix & match shit from this list in order to make a movie:

• A strong independent black woman who doesn’t need a man…even though the entire movie is about her needing a man
• A sensitive black man who isn’t deep enough in the plantation for the strong independent black woman
• A slightly played-out rapper/R&B singer
• A black comedian with one funny line in the entire movie (which has already been used to death in the previews)
• A wise matriarch who gives incoherent advice (bonus points if it’s a man in drag)
• A disjointed family who needs to reconnect
• A sassy black woman who provides “comedic” relief (bonus points if it’s a man in drag)
• A hater who stands in the way of the strong independent black woman’s happiness
• A white person who has absolutely business in the movie (I see you, Not Easily Broken)
• Church service at the end (bonus points for a wedding)

8/10^th of this has been in practically every black movie created since 2000. Oh, and it’s pretty much a guarantee that the film will be set within a 20-mile radius, so I didn’t even bother making that an option. Black people apparently don’t go on adventures. (Yeah, I’m mad that I haven’t gotten any calls about Black to the Future yet).

Anyway – for the past 15 minutes, I’ve poured my blood, sweat and tears into a film I like to call: Niggas at the Crib. I’m throwing in the towel and going for that Tyler Perry money. (To all my female readers: Please try your best to refrain from throwing your panties in my direction while I drop this heater).

(more…)

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Source: Shahrazad Ali

The Blackwoman’s Guide to Understanding the Blackman

“He claims that his woman can’t handle the truth very well, but the Blackman does not assimilate with it any better than she does. There are many truths that he will not acknowledge about himself. Truths which are verifiable according to his original nature, but have become distorted and perverted. Some of the daily issues he refuses to recognize as true are:

1. He will not admit that Blackwomen should dress more modestly because that position requires him to change his immoral ideas and adulterous reactions to her nudity
2. He won’t admit that he has sacrificed the Black child’s life by not fulfilling his responsibilities as a father.
3. He can’t agree with a self-help platform because it necessitates his becoming qualified to be independent using his own steam.
4. He can’t admit that the civil-rights movement failed because it’s easier to have blind faith in a system than to abandon it.
5. He can’t acknowledge that Black boys need to be in a separate school to address their special needs because he will have to take a more active role in their education.
6. He won’t admit that that he could exert more control over the drug influx in his neighborhood because it would demand he take action to remove the problem.
7. He can’t agree that his woman rules him or that he is afraid of her because he prefers to use her misbehavior as an excuse to do the negative things he does himself.
8. He won’t say that he dislikes seeing Blackwomen with whitemen because it is an unpopular stand and could get him expelled from certain circles.
9. He doesn’t admit that he really does want to be in charge of his wife and family because he is afraid of failure and the blame it entails.
10. He can’t admit that the real reason he’s angry with the Asians who buy and operate businesses in his own neighborhood is simply because he doesn’t know how to operate a business himself.
11. He won’t admit that he spends too much money outside of the African-American community because he is so enthralled with the material goodies produced by the Europeans and the Japanese.
12. He can’t accept the fact that white folks are never going to give him reparations, or apologize to him for how badly he has been treated after slavery because he feels like a chump.
13. He won’t acknowledge that he is never really as comfortable around whites as he is with his own kind because then he has to admit that the two races actually are different.
14. He can’t admit that while he publicly claims to admire [Malcolm X] that he’s too scared to make moral judgments and stand up for what he believes in like [he] did.
15. He certainly can’t admit that he would like to have two women because he has been convinced that it is wrong and unjustifiable.
16. He can’t admit that it’s wrong for Blackmen to be homosexual because he doesn’t want to offend anyone, or force his values on others, plus he’s not sure on what basis he thinks it’s wrong.
17. He can’t announce his feelings of helplessness because he thinks that he must always impress others of his massive strength even when there’s no proof that it even exists.
18. He can’t admit that he doesn’t know how to express his Black culture other than wearing African clothes or symbols.
19. He can’t admit that he has wasted a lot of time believing in and chasing rainbow colored dreams that never materialized.
20. And finally, he can’t admit that he no longer has any confidence in the American political system as a solutional base for his problems because it would require him to develop independent strategies to reach his own goals.”

I don’t particularly need #15, but I can definitely agree with the rest. This book came out when I was in preschool, and it’s disgraceful that these same issues are still on the table. But after listening to some of these goofy niggas in the video below scrambling to protect their egos, it’s not hard to see why younger generations have been inheriting the problems of their predecessors for so long:

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(Y’all like that Jenny Jones title, don’t front)

A few weeks ago, I was doing some studying on the lynching of black men – mainly to get a read on the sexual propaganda and hysteria that inspired a lot of them (alleged rape, lusting over white women, etc.). Getting a refresher on these “black beast” memes of the past, I couldn’t help but notice how many of them are still alive today in a virtually unaltered state. In particular, I had my eye on the porn industry.

Days prior, I had been working on a project about how white consumers respond to entertainment with black stars (sports, music, movies, etc.). Eventually, I made my way toward interracial porn. I was primarily looking for a hard sales breakdown, but my research gave me a little more than I had bargained for. Not only does interracial porn appear to be doing pretty well in white circles, but apparently, the more racist – the better:

“My customers seem to enjoy black men ‘taking advantage of’ white women; seducing their white daughters and wives. The Blackzilla line is one of my best selling series. Oh No! There’s a Negro in My Mom is also one that sells as soon as it hits the shelves. The more ‘wrong’ a title is, the more appealing it is. My customers don’t want to see a loving interracial couple; they want to see massive black dicks satisfying or defiling pretty white girls.” Such is the observation of Allison Miller, owner of adult retail outlet Taboo in Richmond, Virginia.

“When the races mix, especially if the purity of the sacred white woman is compromised, it gets a lot of attention – even if the white girl is as dirty and disease riddled as humanly possible.” – Cram Johnson, co-proprietor of Chatsworth Pictures, producers of Oh No! There’s a Negro in My Mom and I Can’t Believe You Sucked a Negro: a Cuckold’s POV

“I did a signing for New Sensations in Ohio and a group of young white guys with swastikas on their arms asked me to sign DVDs for them because they liked my movies. When I first started the whole Blackzilla thing, I had many white men from the South who were racist tell me they loved it. I have discovered that there is a huge group of people who dislike other races, but have sexual fantasies about a black male dominating a white woman in a very forceful way.” – Shane Diesel, adult actor (Source, NSFW)

Now, I’m not the kind of person to get bent out of shape over a few petty names. What gets me is the fact that protecting the “purity of the sacred white woman” (fuck outta here) was one of the biggest motivators of lynch mobs back in the day; as were fears of some mythical ‘Blackzilla’ ‘seducing their white daughters and wives.’

Nowadays, their grandchildren are sitting around getting off to it.

And what really kills me is the façade that people like the aforementioned Swastika guys are probably putting on the majority of the time: “White Power” by day; fantasizing over some black dude’s dick by night. It makes me wonder if their ancestors were equally conflicted.

Thinking back on all of those black castrations in particular, I can’t help but wonder if there was some sort of envy-based “If I can’t have it, you can’t either” dynamic going on beneath it all. Or maybe violence was a charade that helped make their black sexual fantasies seem a little more real in those technologically-primitive times (which raises the question of whether these dudes were repressed homos and/or subconsciously got a kick out of this brand of black dominance). Or maybe it’s just the simple taboo of it all. Who knows.

Anyhow, given current white male affinity for interracial porn, I’m inclined to believe that quite a few of those lynchings in the past were more sexual than judicial. Yesterday’s violence and today’s porn operate so heavily under the same context that I have a hard time treating them as unrelated phenomena. One could try to argue that today’s attraction toward interracial porn is some sort of indicator of “progress,” but then you’d have to answer the question of why centuries-old racist elements have been preserved so well in it; as well as the question of why these elements are so crucial in the enjoyment of it. On the other hand, I find it equally hard to believe that yesterday’s lynchings were entirely pure in their billing as punishment. Between false accusations, proactive sexual propaganda and severed black penises being considered prized souvenirs, it’s all just a little too sexual to keep my eyebrow down.

With all of this potential mystique, admiration and/or envy floating through the air, I’m left wondering just how much of the hell that black people have caught over the years has been genuine in its billed intent. When you have skinheads out here whacking off to B. Pumper or whomever, there’s obviously some weird subconscious shit going on behind the curtain. Seriously, who the hell claims something as their nightmare (e.g. a ‘Negro in their daughter’) then turns around and gets sexual pleasure from it?

I may expand in a later post. I also want to examine the black male and white female roles in all of this.

But before I leave, here’s a little something extra for the “something new” crowd:

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1. You consider a dice game to be a business investment

2. You think sleeve tattoos on a woman are attractive

3. You’ve been “getting your shit together” for 15 years

4. You think a Benz actually needs rims

5. You think red suits are fly outside of the prom

6. You figured getting your newborn daughter’s name tattooed on you was more urgent than getting her a crib

7. Jay-Z can turn your entire life upside down with one line

8. “It’s real out here” is your excuse for everything

9. The ice cream truck in your area sells knock-off handbags

10. Only one of your friends knows how to work a computer

11. You think Precious is “just thick”

12. The last time you woke up before noon was to pick up some Jordans

13. You’re scared to death of leaving a paper trail, yet have absolutely no reservations about riding around in a lime green car with weed on you

14. Fighting skills and a sneaker collection are qualities that you think make a woman “wife material”

15. You thought Belly was a masterpiece

16. You’re constantly yelling out “Money Over Bitches,” yet you’re broke and have an STD

17. “Next Tuesday” is a long-term goal

18. You’d even consider having sex with Kat Stacks

19. You’re 30 years old and your mom is perfectly fine with you staying with her, so long as you buy her a catfish dinner every Sunday

20. A deceased relative left you $2,000 and now you’re arrogant

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It’d take these young brothas all of two seconds to correct their issue.

Now, with that out of the way – whose bitch are you?

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1. He broke up with you before heading off to Morehouse: If there’s one thing a nigga at Morehouse doesn’t need, it’s less access to some girls. Some years back, I had the opportunity to visit their chick-less campus and they gave me the whole stick-up-the-ass (no pun intended) “Morehouse Man”/“Future Black Leader” script to try & impress me. To make a long story short, I took my black ass to another school – and stayed in a co-ed dorm, on a co-ed floor. I ain’t got time for the bullshit.

Going to Morehouse is like going to a movie theatre that doesn’t sell popcorn: deep down you know what your number one priority should be, but it still doesn’t change the fact that you’d rather be somewhere else.

But anyway – if your guy recently got into Morehouse and broke up with you, I’m sure it must be a tough time for you right now. You’re probably confused. But try to recall the events leading up to the breakup. For example, has he ever suggested that Spelman be torn down and turned into a parking lot? Did he ever brag about how his dorm room is so nice that he’ll never have to leave campus? If so, you might want to charge that nigga to the game.

______

2. He’s always talking about how “freaky” he is: Exhibit A: Sexy Spec from Pretty Ricky (under no heterosexual circumstances should a man be this agile, that low to the ground).

These types of niggas always let the cat out of the bag, eventually. You might think humping chairs is cool now; but one day, you’re gonna come home early from work and see just how “freaky” he really is. Don’t say I never warned you.

______

3. He enjoys Madea movies: If I’m not mistaken, there’s a Madea movie in theatres right now. And luckily for you, I’ve designed a highly-scientific experiment involving these movies to help you get to the bottom of whether or not your man does, in fact, like sausage.

As a beginning step, I want you to suggest that the two of you go see this movie. Listen closely for his response. If his words do not resemble any of the following:

• “Fuck”
• “Fuck my life”
• “Fuck this shit”
• “This some bullshit”
• “Shit”
• “Damn”
• “I think we should see other people”

…then he’s suspect.

But don’t count him out yet. The real test comes once inside the theatre.

If, upon viewing at least 10 minutes of the movie, he’s not (1.) sleeping, or (2.) sporting a weathered, confused look, like he just went 12 rounds with a prime Mike Tyson – then yeah, you might wanna make sure you’re not missing any panties once y’all get home. (more…)

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“When a knock is heard at the door [a White woman] shudders with nameless horror. The black brute is lurking in the dark, a monstrous beast, crazed with lust. His ferocity is almost demoniacal. A mad bull or tiger could scarcely be more brutal. A whole community is frenzied with horror, with the blind and furious rage for vengeance”   - George T. Winston

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