Classy Hoe (n.) – |klass-ee||hoh|: a loose, vapid female with a strong desire to be perceived and treated as a real woman in spite of her questionable activities.
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As you all know, the recession has been unkind to many a U.S. citizen. People have lost jobs, homes, you name it. But perhaps more devastating than anything has been the diminished quality of stank women. Without the funds for proper training, many have simply fallen by the wayside. With that being said, as a man of the people, I’ve taken the liberty of compiling a list of helpful tips gathered from my travels with some of the classiest hoes the Midwest and Ontario have to offer. Enjoy.
1. Always wear draws – You’d think this one would be common sense, but trust me, it’s not. FYI – There’s no faster way to ruin your position as a classy hoe than for a man to remove your pants, expect to see some draws and get an eyeful of p***y instead.
Imagine going to McDonalds and ordering a Big Mac. You look in the bag, and there it is – but with no wrapper or box. Sure, you got what you came there for; but at the same time, you can’t help but think there’s something wrong with it. “Why is it just…THERE?” you ask yourself. “Is it safe?”
This is the exact same thought process that any respectable man will use when you decide it’s cute to go commando (he’ll probably still hit it though).
2. Master the lie of “Don’t-Count Sex” – You found out he works at Taco Bell? It doesn’t count. You were on vacation? It doesn’t count. You had your eyes closed? It doesn’t count. As a classy hoe, it’s important to keep your dick-count low in your imagination. In the future, when lying to a man that you may be seriously interested in, having mastered this practice early on will make your words all the more convincing. Some years back, I had a young lady tell me that she only had three sexual partners in her lifetime. However, her words lacked the conviction of a classy hoe, and I hit her with this look (here) until she finally broke down and revealed herself as a hoe of lesser proportion. Turns out the number was closer to 30. Don’t end up like her.
3. Always know where a man is taking you – After agreeing to some late-night fun, your male acquaintance may inform you that he’s taking you to “the spot.” Get clarification. “The spot” could mean anything from a crackhouse to a pissy mattress in his homeboy’s basement. Needless to say, getting busy next to a crackpipe isn’t classy.
4. Be sophisticated – Don’t let this one intimidate you. For a classy hoe, being sophisticated has absolutely nothing to do with being worldly or intelligent. Just load up on stilettos and you’ll be fine. Also, adding an apostrophe somewhere in your name wouldn’t hurt either (e.g. Ni’cole, Ca’rol, etc.).
5. Act brand-new around famous men – Even if you came to the club for the sole purpose of locating him and sucking his dick, when meeting a famous man, it’s important that you force him to introduce himself. Leaving him under the impression that you actually know who he is might make him think that you’re a groupie. As a classy hoe, your level of self-control exceeds that of a groupie by as much as five – sometimes even ten – minutes, so be sure to take this precaution if you wish to maintain your good name. Also, if he just so happens to give you $1,000 afterward, be sure to convince yourself that it’s only cab fare. Acknowledging the money for what it is (payment for your ass) would make you a prostitute, and prostitutes aren’t classy.
6. Don’t “twerk your vagina” – I got this one from VH1’s Basketball Wives. This activity is a favorite pastime of Dwight Howard’s baby mama, Lisa Turtle, and apparently, it’s extremely frowned upon within the classy hoe community. PS – Don’t “thrust” it either.
7. Don’t Smile – Fun fact about men: they LOVE women who can mean-mug harder than a Philly crack dealer. It makes you look unattainable, and that’s classy.
8. Get your excuses together - A classy hoe should always give the impression of having at least basic standards. There are, however, those rare moments where you may find yourself giving Flava Flav head in the bed of a moving pick-up truck. Should anyone ever call you to task over something like this, just respond: “I don’t know. It was just something about him.” Every woman has at least one dick they wish they could take back, so your peers will understand. Simply create the impression that this isn’t everyday activity, and you’ll dramatically lessen your chance of being considered a tramp.
9. Have haters - Whether real or imagined, a classy hoe should always have an ample supply of haters. It means you’re doing something right. Or that you’re just an asshole.
10. Don’t own a Pretty Ricky CD – Under no circumstance is Pretty Ricky acceptable bedroom music for a classy hoe. The only women who have sex to Pretty Ricky are the ones whose houses perpetually smell like collard greens, cigarette smoke and burnt hair. “Hoodrats,” I believe they’re called.
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