BlackPeopleWorryAboutTheDumbestShit.com

It ain't.

1. You’ve ever paid to be in VIP

2. You’re broke, yet constantly talk about your “brand”

3. You’ll suck a dick with a cross around your neck, but won’t curse with your sorority letters on

4. You think having two jobs is better than having one

5. You brag about going on boat rides, like they’re cruises

6. You’ll put your entire day on hold to see the BET Awards, then act like its beneath you while you’re watching it

7. You have $10,000 in credit card debt, yet you’re constantly telling “broke bitches” to step their game up

8. You brag about doing regular shit, like paying your bills and going to work

9. You wear Stacy Adams suits, yet constantly lecture dudes with sagging pants about how ridiculous they look

10. You size up your friend’s pastors

11. It’s okay if your 15 year-old son smokes weed on the patio, as long as he doesn’t “disrespect your house” by bringing it inside

12. You regularly feel the need to folks that you don’t say “swag” anymore

13. You talk about Barack and Michelle Obama like they know you

14. You “can’t stand ignorant people,” yet you only own two books – which are most likely written by Superhead, Zane or Steve Harvey

15. You brag about eating baked chicken

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A few days ago, I was checking out some stories from the team over at This is Why U Broke about their financial fuck-ups of the past. They were really interesting. Luckily, I’ve yet to find myself in the middle of any unmanageable debt or crippling financial habits. At 19, working one of my first jobs at the mall, I tried helping a friend out with her commission by signing up for a Macy’s card. I got buckwild with it ONE time, saw how interest was breaking off in my ass, and it was a wrap. Then, a couple of years ago, I let American Express gas me up with a supposedly exclusive Plum Card; but after realizing that it was a credit card and not a fashion accessory, I pulled back on it before things got out of hand. Pretty tame experiences. And I’ve been even more tame ever since.

I try not to spend anything I don’t have, and I make a conscious effort to avoid bad situations. Typically, this would conjure up images of ridiculous home loans, bad car notes and whatnot – but there’s one situation in particular that I try to keep my eye on: women.

I’m in my early 20’s and did the whole college thing. Given that, many of the girls in my vicinity are knee-deep not only in the materialism that tends to trap up young people’s finances, but student loans as well. As if maintaining a closet full of clothes isn’t hard enough, they want a wall full of diplomas to top it off. I know 21-24 year-old women who are $70,000-$100,000 in the hole already and haven’t done a lick of grad, medical or law school yet. And still plan to.

Sometimes I wonder if these are the same types of women who you see crying on CNN about how they can’t find any “good black men.” Hell, these men are probably somewhere trying to avoid your massive debt.

As I get older, I’m starting to pay more and more attention to financial situations, and a lot of so-called “independent” women really aren’t that independent at all. Though a man may not be taking care of them, Mastercard and the local credit union are. After all the dust has settled from the status symbols and accomplishments, there’s a huge $100,000 elephant in the room for the man who chooses to step up.

I don’t want to sound as if I’m throwing rocks from my throne, but I do realize that if I were to end up with a woman like this, her debt is mine too; and that all the precautions I’ve taken to protect my own situation really wouldn’t matter anymore. My biggest vice is spending $25 a week on books and eating out, and I’m matched up with some chick who thinks she’s Kimora Lee Simmons? Damn right I’m concerned.

A few weeks ago, I got wind of a study claiming that the median wealth of single black women is $5 (link). And you know what? I’d actually be happy to get my hands on one of these $5 black women. That’s how sad it is out here.

Question to readers: Do you think it’s wrong to disqualify somebody because of their debt or spending habits? Granted, it can be fixed – but should it be done on your time? (women can answer too. I know some guys who are just as bad).

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Classy Hoe (n.) – |klass-ee||hoh|: a loose, vapid female with a strong desire to be perceived and treated as a real woman in spite of her questionable activities.

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As you all know, the recession has been unkind to many a U.S. citizen. People have lost jobs, homes, you name it. But perhaps more devastating than anything has been the diminished quality of stank women. Without proper training, many have simply fallen by the wayside. With that being said, as a man of the people, I’ve taken the liberty of compiling a list of helpful tips gathered from my travels with some of the classiest hoes the Midwest and Ontario have to offer. Enjoy.

1. Always wear draws – You’d think this one would be common sense, but trust me, it’s not. FYI – There’s no faster way to ruin your position as a classy hoe than for a man to remove your pants, expect to see some draws and get an eyeful of p***y instead.

2. Master the lie of “Don’t-Count Sex” – You found out he works at Taco Bell? It don’t count. You were on vacation? It don’t count. You had your eyes closed? It don’t count (sadly, I’ve heard this one before). As a classy hoe, it’s important to keep your dick-count low in your imagination. In the future, when lying to a man that you may be seriously interested in, having mastered this practice early on will make your words much more convincing. Some years back, I had a young lady tell me that she only had three sexual partners in her lifetime. However, her words lacked the conviction of a classy hoe and I hit her with this look (here) until she finally broke down and revealed herself as a hoe of lesser proportions. Don’t end up like her.

3. Always know where a man is taking you – After agreeing to some late-night fun, your male acquaintance may inform you that he’s taking you to “the spot.” Get clarification. “The spot” could mean anything from a crackhouse to a pissy mattress in his homie’s basement. Needless to say, getting busy next to a crackpipe isn’t classy.

4. Be sophisticated – Don’t let this one intimidate you. For a classy hoe, being sophisticated has absolutely nothing to do with being worldly or intelligent. Just load up on stilettos and you’ll be fine. Also, adding an apostrophe somewhere in your name wouldn’t hurt either (e.g. Ni’cole, Ca’rol, etc.).

5. Act brand new around famous men – Even if you came to the club for the sole purpose of locating him and sucking his dick, when meeting a famous man, it’s important that you force him to introduce himself. Leaving him under the impression that you actually know who he is might make him think that you’re a groupie. As a classy hoe, your level of self-control exceeds that of a groupie by as much as five – sometimes even ten minutes, so be sure to take this precaution if you wish to maintain your good name. Also, if he just so happens to give you $1,000 afterwards, be sure to convince yourself that it’s only cab fare. Acknowledging the money for what it is (payment for your ass) would make you a prostitute, and prostitutes aren’t classy.

6. Don’t “twerk your vagina” – I got this one from VH1’s Basketball Wives. This activity is a favorite pastime of Dwight Howard’s baby mama, Lisa Turtle, and apparently, it’s extremely frowned upon within the classy hoe community. PS – Don’t “thrust” it either.

7. Don’t Smile – Fun fact about men: they LOVE women who can mean-mug harder than a Philly crack dealer. It makes you look unattainable, and that’s classy.

8. Get your excuses together -  A classy hoe should always give the impression of having at least basic standards. There are, however, those rare moments where you may find yourself giving Flava Flav head in the bed of a moving pick-up truck. Should anyone ever call you to task over something like this, just respond: “I don’t know. It was just something about him.” Doing so will make the situation seem uncommon for you and lessen the chance of being seen as stank.

9. Have haters - Whether real or imagined, a classy hoe should always have an ample supply of haters. It means you’re doing something right. Or that you’re just an asshole.

10. Don’t own a Pretty Ricky CD – Under no circumstance is Pretty Ricky acceptable bedroom music for a classy hoe. The only women who have sex to Pretty Ricky are the ones whose houses perpetually smell like collard greens, cigarette smoke and beer. “Hoodrats,” I believe they’re called.

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The original plan was to write something about last Sunday’s premiere of VH1’s Basketball Wives; but considering those chicks were about as interesting as a bowl of unbuttered Minute Rice, I’m at a loss for words right now. I did, however, manage to catch the premiere What Chilli Wants, starring Chilli of R&B group TLC. Cameras basically follow  the 39 year-old mother around in her quest to find a man. Her dating coach, by the way, is conspicuously missing a wedding ring herself.

Now, the premise of this show is odd, considering I distinctly remember Chilli’s line in 1992’s Baby, Baby, Baby stating: “I can have any man I want to, baby, that’s actual and factual.” I’m guessing that’s not working out too well these days.

Anyhow, “after years of dating and disappointments,” Chilli is “looking for a husband” and has compiled the following list (like kids used to do at 15) of what it is she requires in him:

• Non-drinker
• Non-smoker
• Loves God
• Charming
• “Super Fine” (includes washboard abs)
• Can’t Eat Pork
• Good sense of humor
• Loves kids
• No more than 2 baby-mamas
• “Has to be packing”

Unfortunately, since women tend to caress my shoulder and say “bless his heart” whenever I drop my trousers, I’m probably not up to Chilli’s standards. But that’s neither here nor there.

Though I’m a little disturbed that avoiding porkchops is apparently more important than intelligence or responsibility, I’m not going to pick on her. She’s gorgeous and talented. And I don’t know her, so she could very well be in her right mind. However, watching her show raised some connections with a few of the women I do know, who have equally extensive lists and – for lack of a more polite phrase – need to just shut the fuck up.

From my personal observation, I don’t buy the whole “I have extremely high standards and won’t settle” gimmick. We can look at most of y’alls track records and see that’s a damn lie.

Now, there’s definitely nothing wrong with not wanting to give everyone a free pass, but when you’re in a position where it’s easier for you to hit the Powerball than find a date, I gotta call bullshit. More often than not, these women are scared to death of getting hurt and these laundry lists give them a convenient excuse to avoid the risk. With emotionally damaged people who are fear-striken, there are only two options: 1.) go without, or 2.) “settle.” This is true for anything, whether it be love, career, black liberation or whatever. With that said, I can’t believe the Cleopatra act. Most aren’t ready for any man, let alone the one they want; and for damn sure not the one they need.

Considering there’s a multi-platinum R&B album on the market about Chilli being dogged out, I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s a little messed up. If so, I hope VH1 doesn’t continue to egg her on with the foolishness I saw on the premiere. Not only for her sake, but for all of the pseudo-strong women out there looking for validation. Hopefully she gets to the bottom of her own issues so that whatever she’s looking for can find her. I won’t be sticking around to find out, though. After an hour on Sunday, I think I’ve worn out my VH1 tolerance for at least the next 6 months.

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#21

I’m a firm believer that even the most polite person will flip out on you if you challenge the lies they live. A lot of individuals like to pick on lower-status black people for their particular actions, but I always find it amusing when somebody takes it to the “good” black people. After being co-signed by white people and each other for so long, from my observation, they take dissonance as bad as anybody. With that said, enjoy:

Source: Shahrazad Ali

The Blackwoman’s Guide to Understanding the Blackman

“He claims that his woman can’t handle the truth very well, but the Blackman does not assimilate with it any better than she does. There are many truths that he will not acknowledge about himself. Truths which are verifiable according to his original nature, but have become distorted and perverted. Some of the daily issues he refuses to recognize as true are:

1. He will not admit that Blackwomen should dress more modestly because that position requires him to change his immoral ideas and adulterous reactions to her nudity
2. He won’t admit that he has sacrificed the Black child’s life by not fulfilling his responsibilities as a father.
3. He can’t agree with a self-help platform because it necessitates his becoming qualified to be independent using his own steam.
4. He can’t admit that the civil-rights movement failed because it’s easier to have blind faith in a system than to abandon it.
5. He can’t acknowledge that Black boys need to be in a separate school to address their special needs because he will have to take a more active role in their education.
6. He won’t admit that that he could exert more control over the drug influx in his neighborhood because it would demand he take action to remove the problem.
7. He can’t agree that his woman rules him or that he is afraid of her because he prefers to use her misbehavior as an excuse to do the negative things he does himself.
8. He won’t say that he dislikes seeing Blackwomen with whitemen because it is an unpopular stand and could get him expelled from certain circles.
9. He doesn’t admit that he really does want to be in charge of his wife and family because he is afraid of failure and the blame it entails.
10. He can’t admit that the real reason he’s angry with the Asians who buy and operate businesses in his own neighborhood is simply because he doesn’t know how to operate a business himself.
11. He won’t admit that he spends too much money outside of the African-American community because he is so enthralled with the material goodies produced by the Europeans and the Japanese.
12. He can’t accept the fact that white folks are never going to give him reparations, or apologize to him for how badly he has been treated after slavery because he feels like a chump.
13. He won’t acknowledge that he is never really as comfortable around whites as he is with his own kind because then he has to admit that the two races actually are different.
14. He can’t admit that while he publicly claims to admire [Malcolm X] that he’s too scared to make moral judgments and stand up for what he believes in like [he] did.
15. He certainly can’t admit that he would like to have two women because he has been convinced that it is wrong and unjustifiable.
16. He can’t admit that it’s wrong for Blackmen to be homosexual because he doesn’t want to offend anyone, or force his values on others, plus he’s not sure on what basis he thinks it’s wrong.
17. He can’t announce his feelings of helplessness because he thinks that he must always impress others of his massive strength even when there’s no proof that it even exists.
18. He can’t admit that he doesn’t know how to express his Black culture other than wearing African clothes or symbols.
19. He can’t admit that he has wasted a lot of time believing in and chasing rainbow colored dreams that never materialized.
20. And finally, he can’t admit that he no longer has any confidence in the American political system as a solutional base for his problems because it would require him to develop independent strategies to reach his own goals.”

Though I’ll probably be singing a different tune once I’m 40+ and exhausted of my tolerance for nagging, I’m not sold on #15. I can definitely agree with the rest, though. This book came out nearly 20 years ago, and it’s disgraceful that all of these issues are still on the table. But after listening to some of the goofy niggas in the video below scrambling to protect their egos, it’s not hard to see why younger generations have been inheriting the problems of their predecessors for so long:

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