Meagan Good

Niggas at the Crib – In theatres soon

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Meagan Good

Starring Meagan Good

As I’m sure most of you already know, a new Madea movie came out this past weekend. I can’t be bothered to look up the full title, so for the remainder of this post, I’ll just refer to it as Gay Nigga in a Dress Part 12. Between the previews for this and Jumping the Broom (due out in a couple of weeks), I’ve finally reached my breaking point for seeing the same damn movies being made over and over again. It’s like every black filmmaker is obligated to mix & match from this list:

 

  • A strong independent black woman who doesn’t need a man…even though the entire movie is about her needing a man
  • A sensitive black man who isn’t deep enough in the plantation for the strong independent black woman
  • A slightly played-out rapper or R&B singer
  • A comedian with one funny line in the entire movie (which has already been used to death in the previews)
  • A wise matriarch who gives incoherent advice (possibly a man in drag)
  • A disjointed family who needs to reconnect
  • A sassy black woman who provides “comedic” relief (possibly a man in drag)
  • A hater who stands in the way of the strong independent black woman’s happiness
  • A white person who has absolutely no business in the movie (I see you, Not Easily Broken)
  • Church service at the end (possibly a wedding)

 

You can find about eight of these in practically every black romantic comedy created since 2000. And it’s pretty much a given that the movie is set within a 20-mile radius, so I didn’t even bother making that an option. Black people apparently don’t go on adventures.

 

Anyway – for the past 15 minutes, I’ve poured my blood, sweat and tears into a film I like to call: Niggas at the Crib. Since nobody ever returns my calls about my other projects, I’m officially giving in and going after that Tyler Perry money. To all my female readers: please try to resist throwing your panties in my direction while I drop this heat.

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20 More Signs You Might Be a Hoodrat

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1. You still use MySpace and/or BlackPlanet

2. You brag about “making money with your clothes on,” like it’s a new concept that other women haven’t discovered

3. You’ve had more abortions than graduations

(Credit to one of my gracious readers below)

4. Your man makes $80 a week selling DVDs and you’re fine being his side chick

5. You’ve been engaged since 1998

6. A 35 year-old man telling you that he’s trying to get his “rap career off the ground” doesn’t set off any red flags

7. In the last 24 hours, you’ve eaten at least two of the following: Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, Hot Fries, a Chick-O-Stick or a liquor store sandwich

8. You’ve ruined your 3 year-old’s credit

9. Your man has four kids by three women, no job, and you’re on Facebook bragging that you “got him”

10. You have a SpongeBob, Winnie the Pooh or Tweety Bird tattoo

11. Your weave looks like a Daniel Boone hat and you still think you’re a “bad bitch”

12. You spent more time planning your visit to Applebee’s last week than you spent planning to conceive your kids

13. You brag about your p**sy being clean, as if washing it was some kind of sacrifice

14. You have your 9 year-old son convinced that he’s the “man of the house”

15. You fuck for weed

16. You just got your hair done, but your kids are eating honey buns for dinner

17. You don’t take offense when a man beeps his horn while picking you up for a date. You’re just happy he has a car.

18. You brag about “cashing out” at T.J. Maxx

19. You’ve ever used your vacation days at work to visit a dude in jail

20. You’ve ever defended your dick-sucking skills in public. (Edit: Or period, for that matter.)

___

20 signs you might be a hoodrat: Part I

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livingsingle

15 signs you might be a basic snob

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1. You’ve ever paid to be in VIP

2. You’re broke, yet constantly talk about your “brand”

3. You’ll suck a dick with a cross around your neck, but won’t curse with your sorority letters on

4. You think having two jobs is better than having one

5. You act saditty on boat rides, like you’re on the Titanic

6. You’ll put your entire day on hold to see the BET Awards, then act like it’s beneath you while you’re watching it

7. You have $10,000 in credit card debt, yet you’re constantly telling “broke bitches“ to step their game up

8. You brag about doing normal adult shit, like paying your bills and going to work

9. You wear Stacy Adams suits, yet you’re lecturing dudes with sagging pants about how “ridiculous” they look

10. You size up your friends’ pastors

11. It’s okay if your 15 year-old son smokes weed on the patio, as long as he doesn’t “disrespect your house” by bringing it inside

12. You regularly feel the need to tell people that you don’t say “swag” anymore

13. You talk about Barack and Michelle Obama on a first-name basis, like they know you

14. You “can’t stand ignorant people,” yet you only own two books – which are most likely written by Zane, Superhead or Steve Harvey

15. You brag about eating baked chicken

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"I come home from school and it ain't never no damn Fruit Roll-Ups left."

BPWATDS Encyclopedia: Mama-Wifey

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Mama-Wifey
\mah-muh\ \wahyf-ee\

 

"I come home from school and it ain't never no damn Fruit Roll-Ups left."

“I come home from school and it ain’t never no damn Fruit Roll-Ups left.”

An unmarried woman who serves as the de-facto guardian of a grown (loser) man with whom she’s entered into a relationship. Can often be found at work while said man is driving her car and smoking weed. Takes pride in purchasing sneakers and video games for the man, as if he were an 8 year-old child. Despite her generosity, is guaranteed, at some point, to become frustrated with her partner’s position and humiliate him – to which he’ll generally respond by cheating on her with a significantly less-attractive female (preferably one who wears Dollar Tree weave). Favorite phrases include: “Did you find a job yet?”, “Get the hell out my house!” and “Read the lie detector results, Maury.”

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Is it really cheaper to keep her?

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A few days ago, I was checking out some stories from the team over at This is Why U Broke about their financial fuck-ups of the past. They were really interesting. Luckily, I’ve yet to find myself in the middle of any unmanageable debt or crippling financial habits. At 19, working one of my first jobs at the mall, I tried helping a friend out with her commission by signing up for a Macy’s card. I got buckwild with it ONE time, saw how interest was breaking off in my ass, and it was a wrap. Then, a couple of years ago, I let American Express gas me up with a supposedly exclusive Plum Card; but after realizing that it was a credit card and not a fashion accessory, I pulled back on it before things got out of hand. Pretty tame experiences. And I’ve been even more tame ever since.

 

I try not to spend anything I don’t have, and I make a conscious effort to avoid bad situations. Typically, “bad situations” would conjure up images of ridiculous home loans, bad car notes and whatnot – but there’s one situation in particular that I try to keep my eye on: women.

 

I’m in my early 20′s and did the whole college thing. Given that, many of the girls in my vicinity are knee-deep not only in the materialism that tends to trap up young people’s finances, but student loans as well. As if maintaining a closet full of clothes isn’t hard enough, they want a wall full of diplomas to top it off. I know 21-24 year-old women who are $70,000-$100,000 in the hole already and haven’t done a lick of grad, medical or law school yet. And still plan to.

 

Sometimes I wonder if these are the same types of women who you see crying on CNN about how they can’t find any “good black men.” Hell, these men are probably somewhere trying to avoid your massive debt.

 

As I get older, I’m starting to pay more and more attention to financial situations, and a lot of so-called “independent” women really aren’t that independent at all. Though a man may not be taking care of them, Mastercard and the local credit union are. After all the dust has settled from the status symbols and accomplishments, there’s a huge $100,000 elephant in the room for the man who chooses to step up.

 

I don’t want to sound as if I’m throwing rocks from my throne, but I do realize that if I were to end up with a woman like this, her debt is mine too; and that all the precautions I’ve taken to protect my own situation really wouldn’t matter anymore. My biggest vice is spending $25 a week on books and eating out, and I’m matched up with some chick who thinks she’s Kimora Lee Simmons? Damn right I’m concerned.

 

A few weeks ago, I got wind of a study claiming that the median wealth of single black women is $5 (link). And you know what? I’d actually be happy to get my hands on one of these $5 black women. That’s how sad it is out here.

 

Question to readers: Do you think it’s wrong to disqualify somebody because of their debt or spending habits? Granted, it can be fixed – but should it be done on your time? (women can answer too. I know some guys who are just as bad).

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